Saturday, April 28, 2012


All day buzz-saws echoing off hills. Low-flying prop planes.
A day for warm window screens and loose cobwebs.
Things you didn't mean to say. Dreamy cat's eyes.
Cramped farmers market, strollers as big as cars, drivers just as blind.  Sweetest strawberries in the market, he said.  Did you mean what you said?  It was late. Very late.
Three petitions to sign, flower-specked greens to buy. Waiting to do. Walking in the sun, baby feet flexing in the spring light. Pelican stretching its wings in the murky, shallow end.  I'm with you there, bird. Wading (waiting) in the murky shallows.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I've been living a lie. Not a big one, and maybe lie isn't the right word.  Delusion.  Yes, delusion.  A self-delusion at that.

Ever since the constant threat of nuclear annihilation and northern migrating killer bees of the 80s, I haven't been much for the consumption of news.  "Would we all get nuked into dust before I got a boyfriend?"  "Will I know a killer bee when I see one?" Just insert any neurotic, obsessive thought a teenager might have about current events, and you've got it.  As years passed, I'd make sure that I knew what was going on in the world.  I'd tune in to your odd local news show or 60 Minutes on occasion.  But basically, I didn't watch the news, couldn't watch the news, because I'd lose sleep over every story.

Cut to the Information Age and me, carefully selecting news from the internet.  I curate me-approved news with a click. A terrible story about genocide? Get the salient facts and then soothe myself with a story about a puppy who's been adopted by a mallard.  Ah...that's the stuff. I'll sleep like a baby tonight.

But these days, I'm getting a little lazy.  You could even say, haphazard with my news gathering.  Today, I clicked on the following links, in reverse order, without really considering their possible content:
  • Mad cow disease found in California dairy cow
  • 40 white rabbits dumped at Huntington Beach park
  • Big Guy, a blind sea lion, finds a home at last
  • Woman bites driver who stole parking spot, police say
I'm not sure what to feel after all that. What do I lie awake tonight worrying about? You see, thinking I had control was the delusion. I will compulsively click on any story with a remotely interesting headline.  Blind seal lion?  Come on!  Poor kid. And he's overweight? Abandoned rabbits, sick cows, not to mention, milk with cereal in the morning has a question mark around it now. 

What a dilemma.  They still publish the funnies, right? 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Me? Worry?

What the hell do you do when you find yourself worrying about more than one person, and you only have a one-person capacity worry hopper?  Er, that is, you don't quite have the capacity, strength or brain power to worry about both at the same time? You can think "hey, he/she is an adult and knows what he/she is doing.  I got my own problems."  Oh sure, those statements might be, in fact, true but they don't help much getting through a slow, quiet afternoon at work. I'm trying to make the most of my worrying time.  I want to be a productive member of the American Society of Neurotics.  (Hey, there could be one of those.  You don't know.)

The ideas I've come up with so far are:
  • Send the individuals in question "good vibes"
  • Have a face-to-face confrontation with him/her in which I threaten to run around his/her places of business naked until they meet with my demands
  • Cry, wring hankies, eat nothing but candy.
  • Talk exclusively to the cats and pretend the larger "bald" cats I interact with are not speaking a language I understand.
Well, it's comforting to know that, at least during this indirect time of crisis, I can still generate bullshit lists.

Monday, April 9, 2012

autocorrect this

I get why autocorrect mistakes are funny now. I could no longer ignore the chorus of "one of us! one of us!" so I bought myself an iPhone.

I mean, here are some favorites:

"sock" was autocorrected to "dick"
"watching the baby" autocorrected to "eating the baby"
"screwed" autocorrected to "s'mored"

That last one is interesting.  I didn't realize we'd started using s'more as a verb. 

Well, back to proofreading my texts...